Bus art

I always sit at the back, where the cool kids sit. My bus rides have gotten a lot longer, and the back seat is a preferred spot for the long haul home.

It seems I'm not the only person who thinks so.

Often times, the windows are scratched up back there with some kind of signature. There's sharpied messages. Some kind of vandalism art back there. Or just garbage.

I saw this one time. It was exciting, because usually the art back there isn't this high quality. I just wish I could read the signature, so I can do some research on who's work this is.

Poems #2

Poems #2
More poems!
Said the thing
Living in my head

You got 'em!
Said the me
Lying in my bed

Serious Grown Up Poetry
I'm a big grown up!
I do all my taxes!
Drink whiskey in all the cups!
Heh heh heh heh asses.

Funny Bunny
Billy was silly and
Bunny was funny.
Molly was jolly and
Pappy was having none of this shit.

Never Repeat a Joke
Never repeat a joke
They teach that in comedy class
Even on stage as you choke
Heh heh heh heh heh heh ass

Cooks!
Cooks are dumb!
I hate cooks!
They think they are so useful
All of them say they're good at what they do
They keep thinking that without them, the world would end
I hate how they say they're better than us because they're made out of metal and can travel at speeds over a hundred kilometers per hour
Oh wait
I'm thinking of cars

Art
Art transcends being
It can bring
the strongest to their knees
the hopeless to their pleas
Art is the fresh sunlight pouring over
the vibrant canopy of leaves
Art is the roaring of the flames
as it tears lives and dreams asunder
But art is one thing, if any at all,
most of it is poop. Smelly smelly poop

An Actual Poem
Life is
carrying a bucket of water
with a hole in the bottom
in the pouring rain

The Happiest Feeling in the World
The morning light poured like a golden fog into the waking streets
The birds sang their symphony to the warming world below
The plants reached out through the dew to greet their flying friends
While I slept in bed not giving a shit on fucking Saturday

Send Help!
Send help! I'm trapped
in this desolate barren world
Disdain and rejection
met my every chance at escape

Send help! Please I'm stuck
I'm afraid I might die here
It won't be long, the end is near
Oh wait. It's push not pull

I Hate Babies
Babies are dumb
They drool and crawl
They sit on their bum
And turn into y'all

I am a Regular Person
"I'm normal!" I claim
"I have a computer!
We're both just the same,
I like fruits in my pooper!"

New projects

Computer Lab

Hyenas

The three flapped their lips

while surfing online.

The all must have missed

the god damn Quiet sign.

The Thinker

He sat in the corner

with his Arizona drink.

Man what a loner...

I'm just thirsty 

I think.

Manly

A dude left the room

with his pink backpack.

I wonder if his girlfriend

asked for her pack back.


HEY!
Hey you!
I know you!
I haven't seen you in a while!
How have you been?
Are you well?
Man it's been a long time!
I like your new glasses!
Did you get taller since I last saw you?
Oh...
Wait...

That's not you.


A Poem for the Children
Hello Ms Chair!
with your squeaky squeak squeak.

Good evening Mr Fuse Box!
with your whirr whirr whirr.

Oh hi Mr Keyboard!
with your clicky click clack.

Computer lab pals
with your computer lab sounds,
will you all please shut the fuck up
I'm trying to study.


The Great Suffering
It feels like rain
and oh the pain
I didn't bring
my umbrella again.


Spanish Professor
My professor speaks Spanish
I can't understand poop
He might well be a radish
So at least he's good in soup


Bald
The light
it burns
as it bounces off his head

I wish
he turned
to blind someone else instead.


Let the Bodies
Nobody has no body
Everybody for every body
Anybody has any body

What the fuck is an antibody

Up to date with J

The odd things that happen in J's wombling through life.

wom·ble

  [wom-ble]

verb (used without object)

1. to wobble and walk unsteadily like one is walking on jello : he wombled his way to the door
2. to act without future direction or instruction : he wombled on the decision and decided to buy a spider

J has been studying hard about computers, programming and psychology. Everything around him has become wires and memory and programs. Sometimes when he is sleeping, he dreams that the entire world is made out of metal and he can understand everything that ever existed. He has a better understanding of the Matrix and sometimes holds experiments to see if he is the One.

J has been thinking hard about what the future holds and how he is going to approach it. With complete financial independence and big decisions coming up, J has never felt so young in his life even if this is the oldest he has ever been. Life has become simple steps and hurdles lined up in a row to be completed one at a time. Getting tuition set up, allocating money for rent, making sure the milk in the fridge doesn't go bad, talking to phone company about my plan, taking care of insurance. He believes that if he keeps it up, he'll just keep getting better and better at it until he levels up and it all becomes a breeze. Or so he hopes.

J has realized that the milk in the fridge has probably gone bad.

J has decided that he wants a dog. Sometime in the next 5 years, J is going to find a Samoyed puppy to take care of and call friend. J has been doing a lot of research as he has heard that it is a big responsibility. He watches video after video of dog training, reads articles about health and grooming, and sometimes talks on dog forums. He has been thinking about what to name the puppy, but he should wait until he meets the puppy because the name has to fit the puppy.

J has discovered that the expiry date of the milk in the fridge is next Wednesday. He will eat cereal for breakfast tomorrow. Tomorrow is a big day for J. He has to do a lot of assignments and prepare for his lab. He also realizes that his room is very messy and needs to be vacuumed. In fact, J decides that since he has so much to do this weekend, he will stop writing, press the publish button in the top right hand corner and work on writing his code. J stops typing on his keyboard.

JPlane

J vs UPS

or How to Self Clear Your Package and Avoid Brokerage Fees

 Oculus Rift

This. This thing has been my love, my muse, my raison d'etre for 6 months now. And I haven't even touched it yet. The reason I'm not holding this beautiful marvel of human creation in my hands? UPS.

The Stats

Cost of the Oculus Rift: $300.00
Cost of Shipping: $45.15

The Start

The story started 3 weeks ago when I received an email that my Oculus Rift has shipped from the warehouse in California and was now on board a UPS plane heading to the border. All was going well and I was checking the tracking status every second for updates. Anaheim to Los Angeles. Los Angeles to Detroit. Detroit to Windsor. And then suddenly the tracking status which was set to Shipping changed itself to Exception. I immediately called UPS to see what was up and as it turns out, it was a simple error on their part and that my package was going to be delivered on time and I could pick it up after I paid the COD. I'm sorry? The COD? Oh that's just some simple fees that the driver collects on delivery. You mean taxes? Yes sir. Taxes and brokerage fees. Brokerage? What's a brokerage fee? Oh it's the fee for clearing your package through customs since it's an international package. Oh okay. How much is that? A hundred and five dollars. What? The brokerage fee for your package comes to a hundred and five dollars. My package cost three hundred dollars. I'm sorry sir, every package crossing the border must pay a brokerage fee.

The Research

I called bullshit. How does it cost over a hundred dollars to simply cross a border? UPS was trying to tell me that brokerage fees were going to be more expensive than the shipping itself. So I did my research. I looked into some sites about brokerage fees and how they were basically scams and how to self clear your package. Armed with this knowledge, I once again called UPS and this is how it went down: Okay I am looking at your information now sir, how may I help you? Hi, I'm looking information about self-clearing my package. I'm sorry? Can you provide me with information about clearing my package with the CBSA (Canadian Border Services Agency more to come later) so I don't have to pay brokerage fees? I'm sorry but brokerage fees must be paid in order to receive your package. What if I want to broker my package myself? That's not possible, unless the sender indicates otherwise, UPS will automatically broker your package at the border. You should have mentioned this before the sender sent the package.

UPS support was very unhelpful and gave conflicting messages every time that I called them. Eventually one agent who knew what he was talking about told me that in order to self clear my package, all I would have to do was wait until my package was delivered and then reject payment forcing the package to back to the depot. Once at the depot, I can state my intentions to self-clear and the depot will email me the necessary forms and hold my package there. Nice guy.

The Rejection

And so I waited. Waited until my package entered Missisauga. Waited until the driver left with my package and came to my doorstep, where nobody was waiting. Failed first attempt. And so the driver, with my package in tow, returned to the depot and placed my package back into the system. At the same time, I was on the phone with UPS once again, requesting that they hold my package at the depot and that I would drop by and self-clear my package. After much debate about how UPS works, I finally got them to agree to hold my package for five business days. I felt satisfied, I felt like I had broken through the system, got them to admit to something no matter how reluctantly they fought it. The next afternoon, I received a notification from the tracking service: Failed second attempt. What?
How may I help you? I put in a request to hold my package at the warehouse and that I would self-clear it. I got a notification saying that the driver tried to deliver to my house again. You put in a request to hold the package at the depot? Yes. When? Yesterday morning. I have no record of such a request being placed. What?
This time I made sure. I sat on the line until the agent confirmed thrice that the request was made and that the driver would hold the package. I waited until I saw the tracking notification: Destination Changed. It took some effort but progress was made. The feeling of victory was diminished but at least we were going somewhere.

Lie #94833

The next afternoon, I received two notifications from the tracking service: Destination Changed. Failed third and last attempt. 
How may I help you? I made TWO requests to hold my package at the warehouse. TWO but the driver still tried to deliver my package. Why did my destination change again? My records show that the destination was changed yesterday to make the package go the UPS store for pickup instead. Who made the change? Let me check for you, may I put you on hold for a bit? Yeah. Doo doo bee do. Boo boo boop bop. Hello? Yeah. As for who made the change, we're not sure. How can you not be sure? Somebody must have made that change. I'm sorry, I'll put in a request for that now.

3 tries and I finally got the notification: Package held at warehouse for 5 business days.

Call Me

Now, once you got the package at the depot, somebody there will call you about sending the necessary forms to self-clear your package. You can't call them yourself or email them yourself (which is stupid considering that they can email you your forms) but you have to wait for them to call you. Herein lies the next challenge in the process. You have no way of contacting the depot and must depend on them to call you and they're not dependable at all.

How may I help you? Hi I was supposed to get a call from the depot about getting forms for self-clearing yesterday but I never got the call. Okay it says here in my record that they tried to call you at 7:45AM but you did not pick up. I checked my phone logs, I did not have any incoming calls at 7:45AM. Is your number still XXX-XXX-XXXX? Yes. I did not get any calls from UPS. Can I have them call again at noon - 1PM tomorrow? I'll wait for the call. Yes I can do that. I'll put in the request now.
How may I help you? Hi UPS was supposed to call me yesterday but I didn't get a call.  My records show that a UPS employee tried contacting you at 8:30AM yesterday but did not receive a response. I was unavailable at that time. I thought you guys were supposed to call me at noon. Yes I see that request. I'm not sure why they called you at 8:30AM. Can you give me their number or email so that I can call them? No we do not have that kind of information. But they work for you. How do you not know what their phone number is? We're not allowed to publicly give that information out. I can set it up so that they try contacting you at noon-1PM tomorrow.

So I waited. Sitting with my phone in my hand upon waking, I waited. Finally I got a call at 4PM.
Hello Mr. J, we got a message saying that you were trying to self-clear a package? Yes. I was supposed to get this call at noon today. I'm sorry we just now got a notice saying that we were to contact you. Okay fine, I'm trying to self-clear a package being held at your depot and I need some forms to bring to the CBSA. Oh yes we see that, if you could provide us with your email, we can scan those forms to you. Okay.

Three days of waiting for a single minute long phone call which lead to a single email. What is wrong with this company?

Finally Some Competence

Forms in hand, I made my way to the CBSA offices (near Union station in Toronto) and was quickly ushered to an agent.

Hey, I'm looking to self-broker a package that's waiting at the UPS depot. I have my forms here all filled out. Alright, let's see. Oculus Rift? That's a hardware technology right? I heard about those things, they look really cool. Let me quickly check my chart to see what the import fees for these kinds of things are. The total will come out to $42.15, you can pay at my partner over there in that other booth and then we'll send these forms to UPS. Do you guys take credit? Cash, credit, debit, cheque. We take anything. Alright cool thanks! Have a good day. You too.

Done done doneroo. I got my forms stamped, picked up my receipt and everything was sorted in a grand total of 10 minutes. Now that wasn't so hard was it?

Can I Kill Myself Now?

Forms, receipts, call logs, emails, everything in my handy dandy folder, I made my way to the UPS depot after work. Double checking that I had everything they could possibly ask for, I stepped into the depot where my package was lying. I was nearing the end of my journey and I could feel it. So close.

Hi, I'm here to pick up a package that's being held here. I'm self-brokering it and I have all the forms here ready to go. Uh... Self-brokering...? Let me get my manager. (to manager now) Hi, I'm self-brokering a package, I have my forms here and receipt proving that I've paid the fees and taxes. Oh okay... Uh... Let me... call the fulfillment center... I have all the forms here, signed, stamped, dated and ready to go. Okay let me grab your package and call the fulfillment center. (He left and came back with my package. I finally see it, the thing I paid for, the thing I spent weeks of my life getting. I could finally touch it) So the fulfillment center never got your forms. What? They don't have your forms. The CBSA sent them my forms. I watched the agent fax them to your center. I don't know. They say they never got them. I have the main copies on me right now. Can I fax them right now? Uh... Let me call... We can fax your forms to them but it's going to take a few business days to process them. Are... Are you kidding me? My package is only scheduled to stay here for a couple more days. How does it take a few days to process a single form. It's stamped, marked and there's a receipt saying I paid the fees! I'm sorry I don't know what to do, here's their number if you want to call them yourself.

Hello UPS how may I help you? Hi, I'm at a UPS depot, trying to self-broker my package but the fulfillment center is saying they never got my forms and that I can't get my package until they process them. Is there a way I can talk to the fulfillment center myself? Uh... Self-broker...? *click*

Something like five tries later: Hold on let me look into that for you. doo doo doo beep doo bo beep! Hi thanks for waiting, so what we can do for you is to reimburse your COD fees once we get the forms. So I pay my COD at the depot and you guys will give me that COD back once the forms are processed? Yes. How long does it take to get reimbursed. We can't say for sure but usually about 4-5 business days. Uh... Can I get that in writing?

The End

After confirming multiple times that there was a written record that I was promised a reimbursement for the entire fee, I finally stepped back into the UPS depot and paid the $100 fee with the bitter-est expression on my face. I got it. The box was stained with the blood, sweat and tears of my fight with UPS but it looked like I had finally won. I managed to save $60 of completely useless fees and while it probably wasn't much, it was my own personal blow to a company which gave such a terrible experience. About a week later, I got a cheque in the mail for the entire COD fee and that was it, my ties with UPS are finally severed. No more would I have to deal with that company ever again! I won! J beat UPS!